


Not Just Silent Waters

by lilolilyrae



Category: Star Trek
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-24
Updated: 2018-10-01
Packaged: 2019-06-30 23:51:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15762300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilolilyrae/pseuds/lilolilyrae
Summary: Spock, a touch telepath, accidentally witnesses Jim's memories of Tarsus 4.How is Jim really dealing with the trauma?





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Title because of the saying "Silent Waters Run Deep"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2018-08-24  
> Super short prologue, I know I could've waited to post this till I got an actual chapter ready but I just wanted to get it out of the drafts so I won't forget about it!
> 
>  
> 
> If I get any star trek lingo wrong TELL ME!!! I won't be offended I know I watched a lot of it in german and series-wise the last thing I actually watched is Voyager which is also different to enterprise so yeeah idk how accurate the shit I write is anymore

 

In the early days of working together as Captain and first officer, Spock and Kirk don't really get to know each other much, merely having a good and functional work relationship. 

It's not that they don't like each other or anything, and any initial problems between them are long forgotten. 

They just don't have the time.

Running a starship is a full time job in itself, of course, and the chaos surrounding them plus the fact that they still have to learn and get used to their situation makes it more of a 24/7 job.

Spock is, if possible, even more busy than the Captain, as he is both the Commander and the leading science officer of the ship. Well, friendship or romance had never been on the front of his mind, anyway, so he is quite jovial keeping busy.

And Jim already has Bones as his best friend, and barely enough time to meet up with him apart from being in actual need of a doctor... So yeah, being social with anyone else, including his first officer, isn't something he's thinking much about. 

But even then, when the most they talk is while on the bridge together or discussing future and past missions, Spock would have to admit that he likes his Captain- and Jim definitely likes his first officer.

 

* * *

 

 <3

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2018-08-26  
> Short but still posting it now because starting today I'll be on a trip through the desert with no wifi in the foreseeable future!
> 
> 2018-08-28  
> Updated :)

"Commande' Spock?"

Ensign Chekov is standing behind him in the laboratory, fidgeting with his hands behind his back in a manner that is most likely due to the human emotion of nervousness. Spock is aware of this, as he himself feels such urges from time to time, with only his vulcan education enabling him to ignore them.

"Ensign" he nods at Chekov and turns around fully, hoping to look reassuring but knowing that his stoic vulcan face is probably only making the young man feel worse. "is there any matter I can help you with?"

"Commande', actually I waz hopin' I could help you with this, I kno' it'z not my actual duty but I'm interested in ze electrocurrents of acamar greenery, and as I don't haave any oser projects right now I zoght maybe..."

He trails of in a way Spock can only describe as awkward, although he would never say so out loud.

 

Spock gives the matter a few quick thoughts before coming to a conclusion.

The _Enterprise_ is currently flying at an unaltered course for approximately another two months, and he knows that Chekov's latest project has been finished quicker than expected, therefore it is very likely that him not having many other duties to attend to is the truth.

And having as many eyes, arms and minds as are available working on a project is really merely, as his father would say and as Spock has learned early in life to approach many subjects with, _logical_.

"If you have no other duties to attend to and working on this project will not be interfering with your usual maintenance work, I do not see any problem in you assisting me, ensign. However it is not in my power to assign you such a task, the Captain will have to give his approval."

 

"Oh, thank you Commande', I'm sure Captein Kirk will say yes, I'll go aask him right now!" 

Slowly, slowly, Spock thinks for some reason. And why does hud thought sound a lot like a memory of the Captain saying the same thing to Doctor McCoy a few weeks prior? He should really meditate on his subconscious thoughts about the Captain. 

"No need, ensign, I will speak to the Captain later today and will be able to address the matter. Here-" he hands Chekov a padd with all prior information on the experiment. "as I am 97 percent certain Captain Kirk will agree to you working with me on this, perhaps you want to start getting more familiar with the material."

 

Chekov looks like- like a kid at Christmas, as Amanda used to say, even though Spock is fairly certain he has never looked like that in his life. Then again he has never celebrated Christmas. 

He dismisses Chekov, finishes the part he had been working on and then makes his way to the mess hall. Vulcans, including him, do not need nutrition as often as his human crewmates, so he does not intend to eat anything just now, but he knows Captain Kirk is likely to be there at this point of the day.

 

Later, he won't remember why he went into the mess hall at all...

 

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

 

Jim is having a hell of a bad day.

It would've been a bad day in general because he just gets moody for no reason at times, and he knows it was going go be a day like that the second he wakes up- but it's even worse than usual, because when he looks at his padd to check his messages he sees the stardate in the corner.

It's the anniversary of the genocide on Tarsus 4.

 

He had mostly managed to suppress the knowledge of what time it was all week, ignoring the fleeting thoughts about what he had been doing then, forced to as well as semi-voluntary in exchange for survival, ignoring the memory of screams, horrifying starved faces and the people he had lost there.

But now he can't ignore it anymore, and it's pure agony.

Why can a memory alone hold so much power over him?

 

Thankfully, and through a lot of practice in his sad life, he is good at pretending like everything is okay when it really isn't.

Because today he can't even show that he's having a bad day and crawl into his quarters with a bottle of scotch or something. Bones and everyone else who know what happened years ago at this date would immediately jump to conclusions.

Bones at least would be saying that he should go see a therapist PTSD or some shit.

Not like it's bad to have PTSD. Well, obviously _bad_ for the person who has it, but not like shameful bad. Lots of people have it. But he doesn't, okay? He's the captain, he has to be strong for once in his fucking life.

 

And yeah, so maybe his especially bad mood is _partly_ because of Tarsus.

So?

Isn't that to be expected?

Plus, he's also in bad moods when he's pissy at his brother for not calling once since he found him again, annoyed with Bones for making him take too many hypos, mad at himself for not being a perfect Captain, and so on. It's not like the shitty day because of Tarsus in particular is anything special. The usual, really.

He still feels like shit either way.

But he places a smile on his face and forces himself to act normal.

The thought that, once he's alone in his quarters after his shift is over, he'll be able to bawl his eyes out without anyone knowing, is what brings him through his day.

 

 

"Hey, Captain, you not going to lunch?"

Uhura leans over the console in front of him, looking a bit concerned. 

"I noticed you already skipped breakfast..."

So what if he did? He does that sometimes. He hadn't _planned_ on skipping lunch as well or anything. It's just that no-one is on the bridge right now who-

"Hey, Kirk, should I take over while you're on your break?"

Alright, so maybe he hoped everyone would be too busy for him to take a break. So what. It's just a bad day.

But Sulu just walked in, so Jim forces a smile and follows Uhura out of the room.

Because he has to act normal. And eating several times a day is normal. No matter how much everything in him screams that it isn't. 

 

 

Sitting in the chair next to Uhura, trying to listen to her talk about something but mostly focusing on not throwing up, his sweeping look suddenly catches Spock by the entrance.

Jim is (positively) surprised, he knows the guy often skips lunch, something about not needing to eat as often...

Which, not that Spock isn't hot af- uh, he means, not that Spock doesn't look fine- okay no now even that sounds wrong to him, traitor brain...

Anyways, Spock could definitely use a bit more weight.

He expects the Commander to sit down with them, and, silly crush on his physiqye aside- and it's really just that, nothing more!!!- Jim is looking forward to Spock's company, even if it will just be listening to him and Uhura bicker about some science voodoo. 

 

Apparently Spock went directly to them instead of going to replicator: suddenly he's right behind Jim, touching his shoulder to get his attention.

He turns around to face him, Spock's hand sliding away- and Spock is staring?

What's going on?

Is something on his face? Well, would just make a bad day worse...

 

"Spock?"

"I- Apologies, Captain, I just noticed I forgot something in- I forgot something"

And Spock turns away on his heels and walks out of the hall.

The fuck?

Nobody else seems to have noticed, either they aren't payin much attention or they just don't know that by vulcan standards, Spock just practically ran out of the room.

Oh well. Just one more weirdness on this fucked-up day, Jim can't even rely on his stoic first officer to be himself.

Why can't this day be over already? 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gosh I have no idea how to write Pavel's accent, sorryyyyy!
> 
> And also sorry that this isn't very Spirk-y yet, the first part of this chapter kind of got out of hand...
> 
> Hope you still liked it!  
> Kudos, comments and constructive criticism ate always appreciated :)
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Fangirl with me on tumblr: @lilolilyr


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2018-08-29

Spock is very much aware about the dangers of being a touch-telepath in a society as profoundly based on bodily contact as the human world.

He has always been so careful.

Refusing handshakes no matter how rude it might look, wearing gloves to important meetings where such might be impossible, always wearing long sleeves to avoid accidental skin to skin contact... 

Of course, one fast movement by the ever hasty Captain made all of that be in vain in the blink of an eye.

 

Spock touches Kirk's shoulder to get his attention. 

The Captain wheels around, much faster than Spock expected him to.

Disturbed by the sudden movement, Spock's hand touches Kirk's elbow- and Spock instantly recoils.

 

Pain.

Memories, thoughts, emotions.

People screaming in his mind.

Then the touches, unwanted yet allowed, the all-consuming fear of starvation allowing it. Hunger. The fading knowledge that there is no way to escape. Tears. Feeling left alone. Guilt. Because he survived, and so many didn't. More recent: the believe that he does not deserve help, does not need it, should be stronger, needs to be stronger... Eating him alive.

And all conveyed in a single touch.

 

_So much pain._

How can _anyone_ feel such pain?

How can there be so much pain and yet the Captain still _smiles_?

 

Trying to cling to his vulcan emotional control, Spock manages to force out "I believe I forgot something" but can't even add the rank of Captain, and delay would mean to risk emptying the contents of his stomach here and there.

He hurries towards his quarters, but only got half way there when he knows there is no way he will make it. Spock happens to be in front of the med bay, and mainly acting on instinct he stumbles into the bathroom inside and relieves the contents of his stomach.

 

He wishes he didn't know how long he was sitting there, but his internal clock never fails.

It had been twenty minutes and thirty three seconds of shaking on the bathroom floor, head against the cool toilet bowl, sometimes lifting himself up when another wave of nausea forced the last bit of bile from him.

And he would have probably stayed like this for longer had the doctor not found him.

 

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2018-09-10  
> Sorry for the long wait! I'll try to post more regularly now :)

* * *

Leonard McCoy is walking through medbay, just going over his day as usual, when he hears someone retching their guts out in the medbay toilet. Really now? 

And the the smell hits him. Whoever is in there didn't even have the brains to close the goddamn door!

Grabbing an anti gastric afflictions hypo, he takes a deep breath and walks in there. 

 

"Can you people not check what you are eating? Just stick to replicator stuff if you don't know your allergies! And I know for a fact there are no norovirus outbreaks on this vessel at the- wait, Spock??!?"

Feeling the stinging of the Hypo, Spock had briefly turned around before leaning back over the toilet. 

"Damn, a sick Vulcan? Really? Now that's a first... Anything i need to know about? Is it serious? I did study vulcan medicine in the academy but I'm not sure they can really cover everything..."

  
Spock coughs, trying to speek. 

"No, no doctor it's not actually a medical condition-"

"Not a medical condition my ass, you just puked your guts out!"

 

Spock slowly shakes his head and tries to regain control over his body. 

"It's really just- you are aware Vulcans are touch telepaths?"

The toughts about that last touch makes him hieve again. But now that he can think more clearly again he realises that he must look quite miserable. He wishes he had had the energy to close the door earlier, that no-one had found him. That would mean less questions to answer, too.

McCoy stares at him in shock.

"Did someone...??"

Understanding what the doctor is implying, Spock quickly answers "No, nothing like that, it was an accidental touch but- the _pain..._ he shudders.

"Spock?"

"How can one deal with so much pain and _smile_  when I can not stand it for less than a second??"

"Someone is injured?"

Spock slowly shakes his head. His stomach appears to be empty, so he feels save in turning around fully and sliding into a sitting position. 

Bones, ever the doctor, is quick to catch on. "Are you saying someone on board is having mental health issues and-"

"Do not try find out who it is! I know I gave you enough clues as my control slipped, buy please do not attempt to do so. It is a gross invasion of privacy, entering one's mind without permission, and especially with what this person has already been through I would not want to further violate that privacy by letting others know... And as I already said, the person seems to be getting along well, I have not enough information to know for sure whether the negative thoughts are an ongoing condition or triggered by something in particular, and I would not want your investigation to further harm the person's mind."

McCoy slowly nods, not looking completely convinced. 

"Promise me! What I did was bad enough..."

Seeing Spock in so much --- (and frankly afraid that he was going to vomit again) he just decides to agree and deal with the consequences of that later.

"Alright I promise. And now let's get you out of here. Jesus."

"I in no way resemble a terrain religious figure, doctor"

McCoy just rolls his eyes. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to go for the particular canon of the alternative original series: Spock didn't see there particular thoughts of Jim when strangling him on the bridge because they were both busy thinking boutique other stuff in that moment. 
> 
>  
> 
> Kudos, comments and constructive criticism are always appreciated!  
>  


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2018-09-30

After Spock has left, Leonard really does try to not think about who Spock's mystery person might be- at least long enough to figure out for himself whether he'd rather know who it is or not.

But it's pretty hard not to think about it when one person is immediately on his mind.

Jim.

Of course he knows what day it is, knows what Jim has been through. He had been worried about him before the thing with Spock...

Of course the anniversary of tarsus four would be enough to trigger a bad emotional response. So maybe Spock was right and it's 'not an ongoing condition'. Leonard sure hopes so...

 

Stepping by Jim's quarters to see how his friend is doing, he finds him bent over reports that are probably way to old to still make any changes in.

"Hey, you okay there?"

"Oh come on Bones, quit ignoring security codes with your medical override! Jeesh, this door was locked for a reason!"

"Why, cause those reports are so damn classified? What is that, from when we met a half-trill guy who was literally just lost? Why are you even looking at that, nothing interesting happened!"

"As a captain-"

"Quit the bullshit, Jim, we both know what you acting weird today is really about."

"But that's just it! Everyone who knows is expecting me to go of and drown myself in sorrow, which really makes me _want_ to drown myself in sorrow because _duh_ , so I went in here for a little peace and quiet because I don't need the looks! I'm doing okay, as you can see!"

Leonard sighs. "Jim-"

"No! Honestly, do you think you're helping in any way? It's just a fucking date, it doesn't have to fucking mean anything, and you people acting weird just serves as a nice fucking reminder of the past! Hell, even Spock acted weird as fuck earlier, did you tell him or something?" 

Narrowing his eyes, he asks "When earlier?"

Jim shrugs. "In the cafeteria, few hours ago, haven't seen him since- why?"

He shrugs. "No reason."

But really, that just confirmed his suspicion.

Jim glares at him. "You told him, didn't you?" his voice raises in the end.

"What? Jim, I-" 

His friend is obviously taken aback by his harsh tone, but Jim won't have it.

"You told him, when I explicitly told you not to tell anyone else! I get that you had to tell some of the staff in case something happened, but at least you went to me first and explained instead of just going there and- and-"

Jim stops talking and scrunches his eyes shut, but before Bones can get a word in he looks up again, forcing all emotion from his face and tone.

"Out."

"Jim, I-"

"You heard me. Get. Out."

With a sigh, he does just that, hoping that Jim will be easier to talk to the next morning. 

 

 

 

Meanwhile, as Spock went to his room to meditate, he thinks about why a single touch gave him so much of Jim's memory.

It can't just have been the nature of the thoughts- yes, ugly feelings are always uncomfortable to witness, but it should have still been just that- feelings. Not memories that feel so real.

The only instances he recalls of something akin this happening between vulcanised were between his parents. But they were bonded... He and Jim had never as much as shared a meld. So what else- unless- it can't be.

T-hy-la...

Such a rare bond. And between a half-vulcan and a full human, no less...

It's an unrealistic thought, a daydream fueled by his sympathic feelings for his captain, is all.

It can't be.

Still, he has to be sure...

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So if this feels rushed after I'm sorry but that's because it is rushed af, I just got fed up with this fic for some reason and just bullshitted my way through it to get to an end...  
> Would any of y'all actually enjoy a better/longer version of this? If yes I might write one in the future, but no promises!
> 
> Anyways, one more chap of this short version ahead :s


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2018-10-01

Knocking on Jim's door, Spock is surprised to find it locked and no-one answering. The computer clearly states that the Captain is in his quarters...

"Captain?" he asks. No answer. This is deeply concerning.

Moving back into his own room, he tries the doors to the adjoining bathroom, and finds them both unlocked.

"Captain? Are you alright?" 

Jim is sitting on his bed, head in his hands.

"Go away. I know Bones told you ship but I swear I'll do okay, just leave me alone."

Spock tilts his head in confusion.

"Doctor McCoy did not 'tell' me anything concerning you, in fact- Oh." 

"What?" Jim looks up at him. "Wait, he seriously didn't tell you?"

At Spock's curt nod, he buries his face in his hands again.

 

"What is it, captain?"

"That means I accused him of it totally without any reason... Fuck, he probably hates me right now" comes Jim's muffled voice.

"I am sure the doctor does not hate you, and may I remind you that this is not your first argument and you are still, as I may quote, 'the bestest of friends'?"

Jim giggles weakly at that phrase, nods, then shakes his head, then looks at Spock confusedly.

"Wait-Then why are you here? And all... Understanding?"

Spock uncomfortably twists his hands together behind his back. "It was an unfortunate breach of your privacy, Captain- an accidental one, and if you wish so I will do my utmost to ensure that it may not happen again in the future- that allowed me to witness a memory of yours."

"Oh."

Spock doesn't elaborate, but Jim thinks he really didn't need to.

 

"Captain- I do understand that I only obtained the knowledge through a breach in your privacy, but now that I have it I am still deeply concerned for your psychological and emotional wellbeing."

"What you're saying is, you think I'm nuts? I'm okay, okay? Don't worry about it. I'm perfectly able to do my fucking job, and I -"

"You misunderstood, Captain. I do know that you are capable of 'doing your job', as my newly obtained knowledge does not influence the fact that you have proven over and over again in the past to be worthy of your position. However, I- feel- worry- for your own person."

 

Jim looks at him with his mouth slightly open, letting that sink in.

Yes, he thinks he's kind-of sort-of friends with his first officer- but still, that the stoic vulcan actually _worries_ about him? It makes something flutter within him that he thought he had successfully buried deep down, knowing he'd never get what he wants anyway.

"Oh- um. Well. You really don't need to. It's just that today's the anniversary, and well- it reminds me of stuff, but I don't usually think of it like that."

 

"I am glad." Spock steps a little closer.

"When I had seen the memory today, combined with the fact that you were smiling and acting as usual, I had feared it might indeed be your usual emotional state."

"No, no, don't worry. Really." 

He looks at the vulcan, who is still lingering a few feet away.

"Is there- anything else, Spock?" 

 

"There is indeed another matter I would like to address, but I do not know whether now is the time-"

Jim laughs. "Spit it out, Spock, I'm not fragile."

"When we were in the mess hall earlier today, I barely touched you and I still felt the transmission of not just slight feelings, but actual memories-"

Jim sighs. "I thought we've been over this, it's not usually like that, I'm sure my mind doesn't always scream out bloody murder-"

"I can assure you that your mind is not able to 'scream out' anything, as you say."

"Then what...?" 

 

"That is indeed the question- Jim."

That might've been the first time Spock addressed him by something other than his rank, despite Jim telling him to call him Jim of the clock since forever... 

"While bonded vulcan couples or family members familiar with each other's minds may accidentally sense each others thoughts through a simple touch, it is unheard of for it to happen between people who have yet to even meld." Spock explains.

"So... I'm an anomaly? Again?"

"There is one thing that could explain it, and in a meld I would be able to confirm it- however, that would also strengthen the link, should there be one, and I would never pressure you into-"

"What? Hold on, okay? I haven't the foggiest what you are talking about right now, man"

 

Spock looks as if he wants to remark on the illogical metaphor, but thinks the better of it.

"There is an ancient vulcan concept of a link forming on its own between people whose Katra are especially fitting. That is called a link of t'hy'la, a warrior bond. And should the pair wish to also be a bonded couple, the bond will be stronger than any of an ordinary bonded pair." he explains.

Jim just looks at him for a second, opening his mouth to say something, but it's way too embarrassing and it can't be what Spock means, like, ever, so he closes his mouth again- but he does know a few words in vulcan, and he knows what katra is, and- now he really can't hold it in any longer so he blurts out:

"Are you saying that we're frigging soulmates??"

 

Spock's ears turn a little green as he nods.

"That would probably be the most fitting human translation, yes. But as I said, I cannot be sure until we meld or consult a vulcan healer to meld with the both of us, and I would understand if you would want to wait for a opportunity for the latter, as-"

"Because a meld could mean we'd end up bonded." Jim finishes. He looks at Spock with something like wonder in his eyes before shaking himself out of it and narrowing his eyes at him.

"So, does that mean you would want to wait for a vulcan healer and are hoping that I take the out before you have to? Not that I'd blame you, especially with what you've just found out about me I guess you wouldn't want to be in my mind 24/7, and I mean we're not a couple so even without that-"

"Jim." Spock Interrupts him. "I am not opposed to bonding with you. And the t'hy'la link is not a bond itself, it has some of a bonds qualities and would, should the t'hy'la pair chose to be bonded, enhance the future bond. It is also a sacred unity of my people, and the fact that we might share such a connection only makes me have less doubts about potentially being bonded to you."

"Wait." now Jim is actually shocked, and it has nothing to do with the bond or not bond semantics.

"You're not opposed to bonding with me? Damnit Spock in you-talk that's basically a proposal!"

Spock blushes green again, this time not only his ears but his cheeks as well.

Jim can only gape.

 

Spock, misunderstanding his shock, quickly says "I did not intend to make anything uncomfortable between the two of us, and as I already said we can wait and-"

"No!" Jim interrupts him. "Do it now!"

Now Spock is taken aback. "You _want_ to risk getting mentally connected to me?"

Jim shrugs awkwardly. "Hey after all those revelations that's what surprises you? I mean, I figure, how can there be a better way to date a vulcan than actually try out the effects of a bond-thingy?"

Spock can not argue with that logic.

He does, however, turn an embarrassing shade of emerald green, which gets even worse as Jim draws him closer by the hand.

 

"Can I kiss you?" Jim asks, and Spock remembers that Jim would not know about the way of a vulcan kiss...

"I think you already do." he lifts their hands, pressing fingers together.

Jim shivers, feeling something like a mental tug... Yes, there is definitely something there.

And it's not a bad feeling.

Lifting his other hand to Spock's neck, he draws him into a human version of a kiss, while keeping their hands entwined. 

 

 

 

Later, Spock decides that he cannot in good conscience let Jim decide in his current sleep-deprived and emotionally vulnerable state, so they should sleep over it.

And Jim, for once, is not afraid that Spock might think differently in the morning. They love each other, he can feel it.

Then he actually has to chuckle dryly as he notices that he now first kissed him on the anniversary of that awful date. And he hadn't even thought about it anymore earlier.

His last thoughts before he falls asleep are:

It's time to leave the past in the past and make some new memories.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End


End file.
